An Expensive Experiment

Now I have a story to tell you - I wasn't going to tell anyone, but I think I've learnt a valuable lesson from it that I can share. Perhaps it will shock and surprise and even upset, or perhaps it won't, but so far the reception when I told friends was positive. I am not sure if telling the story is a confession or an exorcism, so here I go... last week I joined a dating website.

It was not a great experience!

My rationale went like this - firstly John would not mind, at all. I know this because I know he understood that I may have many, many more years on this earth, and he told me that I must carry on and live my life and be happy, in whatever form that was, and he gave me permission to decide how I moved forward. Secondly I think I have come to terms with where my life is at right now. Am I happy with it, no of course not - I accept it, but I don't want it to be this way forever. I am alone and the thought of being alone for the next 30 or 40 years is, quite frankly, miserable! It is impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it how much you sometimes just need a hug, or to unburden to someone at the end of the day, or to share a joke with or to marvel at some wonder, or have an adventure and make new memories with. I am missing out on life, and the fact that, at the moment, this is an indefinite thing, is what currently edges me towards depression every day. I can't bear the thought that I may never again have someone to put their arms round me and offer that silent comfort that comes from someone who understands without a single word being spoken. I want to cook a meal for someone, snuggle in front of the TV in the evenings, have someone to walk into an event with. I crave the richness of life that comes from being with a partner.

I had a tearful moment recently as one of my friends is back on the dating sites and a popular pass time is to ridicule the men on there. It's great that she has high self esteem and is determined to get what she deserves, but I felt terribly sorry for the poor guys who have put themselves out there to be viewed and assessed and picked over. I hate the fact that it is all appearance based - these guys might be lovely people, but you'll never know because they are rejected purely based on looks. And so will the ladies (and me) be in return. It's brutal, and it's unfair.

So how do I go about changing my future for something happier? I have to put myself out there. Am I ready for that? Absolutely not. I'd be happy to skip the dating and go straight to the happy ever after part ... but it doesn't work like that. I definitely don't relish the idea of trying to break the ice with people, get to know them for a few weeks only for it to fizzle out, and do that over and over and over. Will I ever be ready for it? Good question - there's only one way to find out.

I chose e-harmony as apparently it had been voted the best dating site for singles (you would hope that all dating sites were good for singles, but I think I'm just old fashioned!) The idea is that e-harmony match you up with like minded people in the hope that there is more chance you find someone compatible. First you answer a series of questions such as 'what is your ideal first date', and fill in your stats such as your height, job, level of education and your relationship status. I did the best I could, being honest (because, honestly, what's the point if you're not going to be authentic?) but not too off putting. I selected the widow option because I'm fragile and I wanted to be upfront about it in the hope that perhaps some kind and thoughtful, gentle chaps might be out there...plus it avoids awkwardness later on. As to what I'm looking for in a person - well, someone understanding, open, happy to get to know each other slowly, young at heart if not young, and most importantly someone who could accept that I will always be deeply in love with my husband. Am I asking too much?

Then it's time to select photos, which was mildly traumatic. I don't have many photos of myself at all, even less that are recent, and next to none of me on my own. I refused to cut John out of a photo for a dating profile - that's just traitorous. And the further I went back through my albums the more photos I scrolled past of John, especially while he was sick, and I felt incredibly guilty.

Profile complete you are free to scroll through the profiles of hopeful men, but you can't see their photos unless you pay - £30 a month, with the first three months half price....unless you want to pay monthly, and then there's an extra £2.50 fee per month. On day one Mike viewed my profile. He did not message me. He had a ncie smile so I sent him a message to say hi. He replied with some brief information about himself - four long term relationships but nothing much for the past four years (which made a not-very-impressive average of about 5 years each), he's very tall and hopefully I've got some nice heels for the bedroom. Bit forward! I replied with something non-commital and a compliment. He replied with another flirty message, no compliments, no questions about me. Worst of all his spelling, grammar and punctuation were a crime against humanity. Goodbye Mike. Over day two and three I looked at various profiles but no one messaged me and only a couple of people viewed my profile. How depressing! Day four I sent a few messages out, becasue there is no point being on the site if you're not going to use it, right? No one replied.

Now, I know I'm not in my prime anymore. I have a mummy-bod and am carrying extra weight. I also understand if the whole widow thing is an obstacle a lot of people aren't willing to jump over - I get it. But, I got very down about it. And then I got mad - they're judging me and deciding I'm not good enough for them. And this is when the epiphany struck - they've got no idea! They're the ones who are inferior, they're the ones who aren't good enough: they will never be a patch on John, not even close!

And then I decided I'd had enough - internet dating just isn't for me. I cancelled my subscription. Then I got stung for another £45 for the provision of a personality profile I never asked for and was of no consequence whatsoever! So, perhaps no other guy is for me either. I won't say never, so I think I'm going to leave it as - if it happens, it happens, but as the great Roy Kent says - I deserve someone who makes me feel like I've been struck by lightning - everybody does. But I've had that, and lightning never strikes twice, so if not then I've had the most wonderful time with the most wonderful man. I think about John a hundred times a day and miss him as if I've had my heart ripped out. We crammed a lifetime of things into 28 years and for that I'm very grateful.