What's Love Got To Do With It?

I was curious about the monumental shift in my outlook on life since meeting H. I spent more than a year feeling like my life had imploded, there was nothing to look forward to and everything seemed hopeless. When things are dark all you can see is the darkness. You are in constant pain and the only thing you can think of is when it will end. And sometimes you sink low enough to want to end it yourself as quickly as possible. I know what it is like to stand on the edge and feel the pull of silence and think how nice it would be to step out into it. Experiencing such a fundamental loss changes your perspective on life and you realize there is very little that really matters any more. Certainly there is nothing that matters as much as sharing life with someone you love and care for more than life itself. I have shared my thoughts in a previous post about what you lose when a long term partner is gone - and it isn't just them, but everything you've understood about life and yourself as well - you are lost. When that person is gone life itself can sometimes no longer feel important. What you lack is the ability to look forward to better times in the certain knowledge that they are waiting for you and might even be just round the corner.

And so, as things have developed into something wonderful with H, my perspective on the future has changed. Suddenly there is the possibility of long term happiness again and the chance to make new memories with someone who is as determined as me to squeeze every last drop of enjoyment out of our short time here. Now I get to enjoy it again with him rather than go through the motions on my own. Now I look around me and notice the little things again - the sun sparkling on the water, the gentle sounds of the glen, the joy in other people. Happy songs resonate again, new experiences are fun and something to look forward to. So many opportunities to see happiness around me and that brings me joy but also peace too. The negative brain chatter is quiet, the anxiety is gone, I'm off the antidepressants and I am happy to wake up in the mornings again. Everyone and everything seems beautiful and radiating positivity and I find myself smiling just walking down the street.

So I googled: When you're happy why does everything around you seem so bright and shiny?

It was the best way I could think of to describe it and Google knew exactly what I was talking about!

• The Dopamine Loop: Happiness triggers a surge of dopamine, which lowers the threshold for your brain to recognize beauty and value

• Broaden-and-Build Theory: Positive emotions encourage your mind to become more open and creative. You literally expand your focus to appreciate details you usually miss

• Perceptual Bias: Your brain's reward networks update their templates, causing you to view neutral or mundane things as positive and rewarding

• The Vagus Nerve: This neural superhighway connects your brain to your major organs, relaxing your body and lowering your stress in response to positive affect

• Enhanced Memory: Your brain's emotional centre (the amygdala) is highly engaged when you feel good, making your environment feel personally meaningful and creates long-lasting memories that are easily recalled later

So there you have it - happiness is a positive reinforcement cycle and all I needed was the most unlikely of angels in the form of a tall, dark, handsome, unconventional, self-declared redneck cowboy Welshman. Who'd have thought?!

And I'm so glad I didn't give up. But I did have to go looking for my salvation rather than waiting for it to find me, and it takes my breath away that the chances of our meeting were so tiny. Ultimately we both had to take a chance on each other, be brave and throw caution to the wind. It was my kamikaze to his yippee-ki-yay. So, I hope everyone has the courage to put themselves out there and go for it - take your future in your own hands and make it happen, chase that dream, live the life you want, never regret something you DIDN'T do because you were too afraid - sometimes it really pays off in the most amazing way, beyond all expectation, and incredible things can happen - like love - the most essential, all consuming and life affirming feeling in the world. I'm so lucky to have a second chance at love and life, thanks to H!